Both Sides of the Apocalypse

The zombie virus hit another one-day high with over 10,000 people bitten.

With the world’s nations on edge over the specter of zombie bites, lawmakers can’t agree on how to effectively deal with what many are calling “the apocalypse.”

On Tuesday, Sen. Josh Gonzales introduced a bill to send machetes, baseball bats and ammunition to every American.

“We have to stick together during these troubling times,” Sen. Gonzales said. “I think the bill will go a long way in providing aid to Americans whose lives have been affected by zombies.”

But the opposition, led by Dick O’Malley, says he is concerned about how the bill would affect the deficit. He also cited emails he has received from of his constituents, many of whom feel that the Gonzales bill would move the country closer to “socialism.”

“Look, I get the concern, but I don’t this think is a good bill,” O’Malley said on a call from inside his bulletproof fortress in Sioux Hills. “I don’t think the American people want their hard earned tax dollars going to earmarked liberal causes. We need to let the market decide how to deal with the zombie situation, not elite bureaucrats.”

According to a study by UCLA, zombie virus contraction has increased 100,000% after the first case was spotted in the Boston. Medical experts say zombie bites are the leading cause of becoming a zombie. But a recent Gallup poll suggested that 43 percent of Americans don’t believe shutting down society is the correct course of action. While virtually all scientists agree that zombies are real, some pundits still believe the apocalypse is actually a highly-organized political stunt, and lambast the “biased” apocalypse coverage.

“The liberal media is unhinged,” said Kyle Acheson, the free-thinking Youtube star who makes videos debunking what he calls “the postmodern cultural neo-Marxist dogma of the anti-zombie communist Islamic Left regime.”

When asked whether the zombie apocalypse is a hoax, Acheson said “Clearly. Anyone who says otherwise is being totally dishonest.” He went on to say that the zombie virus originated in a village in Haiti and that the undead have disproportionately ate the brains of conservatives. (When asked to clarify the inconsistencies between several of his positions, Acheson said that it was “ a gotcha question typical of the liberal media”)

The other side of the political spectrum is mired in controversy of its own. Activists and organizers are boycotting the New York Times for doing a full profile of a zombie in Brooklyn.

Though the profile was concise (ended when the zombie tried to eat the reporter’s brain) and only contained one direct quote (when asked why he wanted to eat brains, the zombie replied “AAAARGGH!!!”), critics said it created a troubling “false equivalency” between Homo sapiens and Necro sapiens.

“Y’all interviewing zombies?” tweeted cultural commentator Rashida Jackson. “Tf?”

Social media continues to fan the flames on an ongoing debate over whether not to kill zombies. Some believe killing zombies is the correct way to curb the apocalypse, while others focus more on personal responsibility, thoughts and prayers.

“Things are bad, but you know, this is the price of freedom,” said Bob Mitchell, a local businessman in Lake County, IL. “It’s kind of hypocritical too, don’t you think? I mean, I hear folks say ‘Black Lives Matter’ but don’t ‘Dead Lives Matter’ too?”

Mitchell went on to say that there was “blame on all sides” and that lawmakers needed to “turn the temperature down,” lamenting the lack of civility within the ongoing zombie debate. (We reached out with follow-up questions for Mitchell, but unfortunately, we learned that he had gotten bitten shortly after the interview)

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store